On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
