she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Green mimosas i think yes
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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