I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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