The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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