I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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