I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
