she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
