Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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