I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
