eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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