Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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