I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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