fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
