Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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