ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
In America we eat man semen.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
