i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
