Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
