Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
