i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
