I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
