Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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