I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
