Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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