i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
