Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just google imaged poop.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
