it wasn't lemon gatorade
I am in a vortex of obligation.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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