I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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