Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
