Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
