im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
