i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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