So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
