Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
