A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
