I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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