idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
