Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
