Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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