Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
