girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
