it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
