Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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