So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
