Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
