You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Someone signed my nipple.
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