I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
