She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
