My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
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Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
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Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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