haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
