i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You made out with two different species that night
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
