He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
