My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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