Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
