I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
