all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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