i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
