My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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