i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
