I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
