Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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