do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
