I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I think people are normalizing furries
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
