worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
