I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
