This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Mom said you looked used
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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