I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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